I don't know about the majority of you...well, because I happen to be in the minority of a lot of taste issues. Seriously, when a good semi-healthy food comes to the store, I tend to be one of the 5 people in America that buy it for the three months it's offered. Whenever a new Will Ferrell movie infects theaters, I am one of seven people in the country injecting the newspaper ads for it with penicillin. Whenever a cool funny TV show comes on, I get to see it for maybe 2 months until it's yanked from the air...and it's not even a network show!
We all know what happens in the new TV season: they introduce a bunch of new shows when the reruns of summer crap have been exhausted. The old crap is replaced with a bunch of replacement crap, essentially. And if you have, say, 40 new shows being introduced, we are lucky if 10 make it past Christmas. Often, we are lucky that they DON'T make it past the holidays. We need to face the facts: there are very little new sitcom ideas that are funny, we don't need any more government agency action dramas (NCIS makes all pale in comparison anyway!), I think I'm numb to crime lab specifics, so another CSI will just plain suck. All in all, new TV show ideas are rarely ingenious and innovative. I look for wit, clever repartee, and engaging mysteries in my network lineup....CBS still insists that "2 1/2 IQ Points"(er, Men) has life in it, and we know they're appealing to the moron crowd. "CSI" is still fun but rather predictable. Its only gems are "NCIS" and "Big Bang Theory". I don't know yet if "Mike & Molly" will return, since they never aired the season finale that included a tornado (because we Americans are too sensitive to handle a show about a tornado right after a major one hits). And I've just discussed 1 channel! I don't even know what the other "majors" have.
OK, I do have a solution, but it is rather drastic. First, I have some innovative ideas, but they will require intelligent writing. And since I'm going to be busy writing weekly lesson plans, my free time will be available only to my family and Angry Birds.
One idea is inspired by the success of "Lincoln". A 20+ episode adaptation of presidents' lives, done accurately yet cleanly, would be an intelligent, educational, and, in the case of Bush #1, funny at times. One president per season would rival the life of Law and Order!
Another: you want reality TV? Let's go into the classroom with a hidden camera and film actual teachers, a different one each week, and show America what they really do. It may just bump salaries up if America sees the reality. Yes, I know the kids' faces need to be blurred (I suggest CGI inserts of Peanuts characters). No side interviews and reflections here, it'll ruin the effect.
Here's a good government agency action drama if you're still insistent on them: the adventures of an agent of the National Labor Review Board chasing labor rights violators. I can just see the chase scene now...the agent chasing down the accounting manager who refuses to give backpay to a former employee at a paint factory....all right, I give this one a month.
More reality but this time not a hidden camera: the kitchen in a fast-food establishment. If we really want to know what we're eating, then this will provide the answer..... Once more, no reflections, but the cooks will look at the camera and explain exactly what they're doing. The court cases coming out of this will just make the show all more riveting!
Courtroom drama? How about a jury room drama where we see twelve different people every week trying a contrived case. Yes, I know, this is not totally original, it's inspired by the Pauly Shore classic "Jury Duty!".....just kidding, but check out "12 Angry Men" sometime. It may be black and white and several shades in between, but quality is quality.
Let's bring some daytime-quality fitness into the prime time arena. It would be the fitness equivalent of Dr. Phil. It would be our friend "Dr." Ron. It would be set in a real gym, and Ron would spend the episode talking about various fitness techniques, practices, and the right way to do various exercises. As he himself will have the attention span and energy of a rabbit on Red Bull (as a result, he burns 10,000 calories a minute), it will appeal to most viewers because Dr. Ron will spend only 1 to 3 minutes on each topic so there's no fear of lengthy lectures on health habits.
Sitcom? Let's see, how about a show about 4 30-somethings acting like they're 20-something. They'll hang out at a café most of the time and lament about their pathetic love lives....what? They did that already? And it lasted for ten whole years? Must have been on NBC, I never saw it.
Chuckle chuckle, just kidding. Yes, "Friends" was indeed a ratings and actors' overpaid per episode success. Every year they (sweating weasels in charge of "new" ideas) try to find some magic combination of semi-young "talented" actors that will prove to be a ratings smash weekly. Want to know the secret? Get a catchy theme song that won't leave people's brains except for intense ECT sessions!
OK, my innovative ideas are over, with no sitcoms, but see what we have here: real people in actual jobs require just a little money boost, not overblown, exaggerated salaries. The production costs are very low on all except for the presidential show, and even then we can have unagented actors playing the presidents in their various points in life.
Well, that was part A. Now here's part B. My innovative ideas will cover only 1-2 night of programming, and we need to spread it out. A night represented by my ideas only will make even me puke. No, we need to put the old back into the schedule. As much as I'd like to try to list a full schedule of network shows for the week, I have neither the time, inclination, nor coke habit to try it. However, I will list my ideas for the old by genre:
Westerns: "The Lone Ranger", "Gunsmoke", "Little House on the Prairie" and "The Wild Wild West" (not precisely a western, but a combo of sci-fi, western, and spy)
Game shows for the early hours: original Hollywood Squares and Match Game, Wheel of Fortune with Chuck Woolery, and Family Feud where fast money only goes 15 and 20 seconds). Some classic "Concentration " episodes would also be fun
Soaps: "Dallas" is a must..."The Edge of Night" would be good as an 11:30p.m. show....in fact this should replace Jimmy Fallon after one "Tonight" show next year!
Sitcoms: "The Cosby Show", "Dragnet", "Barney Miller", "Night Court", "Cops", "All in the Family", and "WKRP in Cincinnati", and "Get Smart"
Kids: "Speed Racer", "Electric Company", "Superfriends", "Ultraman", and every Looney Tunes short ever produced pre-1950.
General fun: "The Muppet Show", "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
I know my list of shows is my own personal opinion. If yours is different, well, it's wrong! Nah, I think if the viewing public had a say in what's on TV, we all may have our own channels. Yes, I can see it now: Bryan TV! I'd restore old EBS tests, test patterns, and old pre-1980 commercials that lasted less than 3 minutes, even if the products no longer exist. The only infomercial would be a product that, when put to your eyes, would block out any harmful Will Ferrell and Catherine Heigl images (which is all of them!). Until that day comes, I will sit back in my deep armchair, put my feet up, and eat a Spam sandwich (Vikings singing "Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam..." as I eat).
Friday, August 16, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Back to School...and back to back redundancy and Torture
Let's look back at an incredibly active summer. We took a nice active trip to Colorado Springs in early June. This was followed by 7 weeks of my eyes actively engaged in crosswords, eyes actively watching "The Edge of Night" discs or "Star Blazers" on Hulu...or the back of my eyelids when Natalie or Vickie are watching endless reruns of "CSi Miami", "Sofia the First" or whatever mind-numbing program we come upon. When the air wasn't incredibly hot or humid or smoky, we'd get to the pool. Yep, very relaxing, my mind is at rest....meaning it is time to return to work.
Hold on there, pardner! Before ya git yer spurs up yer keister (SLAP! Had to turn off Bonanza!), there is a major obstacle standing between me (and the majority of teachers in this galaxy) and the first day of school with the kiddies! It is called STAFF DEVELOPMENT! Sounds positive, doesn't it? It sounds like we're going to learn a whole bunch of new information that will enhance our teaching and bring ourselves closer to our students' minds and hearts for a better learning experience to be shared, along with better bonding and communication among teachers. Let me put it this way:
I'm looking for someone
Who has a map
So that I may quickly
GET AWAY FROM THAT CRAP!!
I hope I don't get sued by the Seuss family for that plagiarism, but I have a serious issue with what is about to happen in just less than 3 full weeks. According to an article posted by a colleague, staff development days, especially early in the year, are yawn-inducing, puke-filled, earwax-spewing, dandruff-flying, Tylenol-popping wastes of our time. Let's look at a typical staff development day schedule, at least experienced by me:
8:30-Breakfast consisting of lots of simple carbs that will drain your energy by 9:30
9:00- Meeting in the library ALL STAFF- watch video of guy in Denmark using an incredible strategy identifiable only by people who mastered calculus to read data from 2002-2003 test scores...after all our past determines our future!
9:15- meet in small groups heavily watched over by administration to learn basic Danish from a printed Powerpoint file
10:00- 5 minute break to refill on carbs
10:05-Grade levels K and 5 meet in library to conjugate Danish verbs
Grade levels 1 and 3 meet in custodian's closet to learn calculus
Grade Levels 2 and 4 meet in teachers' lounge to diagram Danish sentences.
-ROTATE EVERY 20 MINUTES
11:05- 2 minute break
11:07- required attendance in Multi Purpose Room (or Messy Piles of Refuse) for lunch catered by Jim's Trans-Fatty Subs....bring your own chips and drink and cholesterol meds
12:02- Grade levels have 3 minutes to meet and strategize for a rumored nuclear holocaust tomorrow and document the procedures discussed
12:05- Staff meets in library to practice their mastery of Danish by working in pairs to learn to say "Where is the phone booth?" with a perfect accent on syllables
12:15- Music teacher presents (with obvious prodding) lesson on how to teach reading comprehension while singing in the B key. No-Doze (bought by student-generated funds)will be distributed as needed
1:00- The U.S. Department of Illegible Writing will present in the art room a lesson on teaching proper cursive writing to teach from 2nd grade on up. Anyone who brings up the point that cursive is no longer required will be forced to translate the cursive lesson into Danish.
2:00- The Nevada Department of Coyote Affairs will provide extensive training in the computer lab for teaching multiplication facts using coyote dung....implementation during the year is mandatory for a satisfactory evaluation.
3:15-Time to work in rooms
3:18-Training evaluation in Library
3:35-End of contracted day
Is this what teaching is reduced to? Aside from a few mild exaggerations, yes! Every year, a few days before we meet the kids, and 4-5 times throughout the 9-month year, we are subjected to a variety of trainings. Some of them are examinations of test score data that, despite promises that data analysis will help our teaching, actually dilate our pupils to the size of snow peas! You look at too many numbers and percentages and the brain does start detonating synapses!
Other times, we get 3 hour trainings that reteach us how to implement software that never gets used the right way or has any desirable effect on learning.
And then there are the endless binders with papers full of information on how to teach in a new way, presented by someone who just reads the information verbatim with no personal insight at all. These people get nervous when asked a question that isn't directly answered in the binder. They just love when you smile and nod enthusiastically, not knowing you are plotting their intense torture using a weasel on Red Bull.
No, in order to make a staff development day completely worth the taxpayers' money, a new schedule needs to be formed. Here's an example, using the same 8:30-3:35 schedule
8:30- protein- and caffeine-rich breakfast in the teachers' lounge
9:00- Grade levels meet to review any new standards and ways to effectively teach them. Allow ample time to find usable materials in file cabinets or online.
10:30- Introduction of "Math +", a new math series that meets ALL of the standards and breaks up lesson into effective components and is designed for 179 lessons (that 1 day before Christmas break is useless for learning, let's be honest!)
11:30- lunch from Olive Garden provided by superintendent. Or, you can go off on your own! Be back at 1 (because we all know how slow restaurants can be).
1:00- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of the new math series if they want; otherwise, use the bathroom
1:10- Meet back in library to receive "Language Ultimate", the brand-new reading series that skillfully utilizes reading comprehension, phonics, spelling, and writing skills within engaging stories. Complete small-group plans for any conceivable size or level are included!
2:30- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of new reading series if they want....otherwise work in rooms
3:35-end of day
See how meaningful that all was? See how unrealistic that kind of day is? Oh well, for now we have to deal with the cards that are dealt to us. That's ok....my weasels are more than ready!
Hold on there, pardner! Before ya git yer spurs up yer keister (SLAP! Had to turn off Bonanza!), there is a major obstacle standing between me (and the majority of teachers in this galaxy) and the first day of school with the kiddies! It is called STAFF DEVELOPMENT! Sounds positive, doesn't it? It sounds like we're going to learn a whole bunch of new information that will enhance our teaching and bring ourselves closer to our students' minds and hearts for a better learning experience to be shared, along with better bonding and communication among teachers. Let me put it this way:
I'm looking for someone
Who has a map
So that I may quickly
GET AWAY FROM THAT CRAP!!
I hope I don't get sued by the Seuss family for that plagiarism, but I have a serious issue with what is about to happen in just less than 3 full weeks. According to an article posted by a colleague, staff development days, especially early in the year, are yawn-inducing, puke-filled, earwax-spewing, dandruff-flying, Tylenol-popping wastes of our time. Let's look at a typical staff development day schedule, at least experienced by me:
8:30-Breakfast consisting of lots of simple carbs that will drain your energy by 9:30
9:00- Meeting in the library ALL STAFF- watch video of guy in Denmark using an incredible strategy identifiable only by people who mastered calculus to read data from 2002-2003 test scores...after all our past determines our future!
9:15- meet in small groups heavily watched over by administration to learn basic Danish from a printed Powerpoint file
10:00- 5 minute break to refill on carbs
10:05-Grade levels K and 5 meet in library to conjugate Danish verbs
Grade levels 1 and 3 meet in custodian's closet to learn calculus
Grade Levels 2 and 4 meet in teachers' lounge to diagram Danish sentences.
-ROTATE EVERY 20 MINUTES
11:05- 2 minute break
11:07- required attendance in Multi Purpose Room (or Messy Piles of Refuse) for lunch catered by Jim's Trans-Fatty Subs....bring your own chips and drink and cholesterol meds
12:02- Grade levels have 3 minutes to meet and strategize for a rumored nuclear holocaust tomorrow and document the procedures discussed
12:05- Staff meets in library to practice their mastery of Danish by working in pairs to learn to say "Where is the phone booth?" with a perfect accent on syllables
12:15- Music teacher presents (with obvious prodding) lesson on how to teach reading comprehension while singing in the B key. No-Doze (bought by student-generated funds)will be distributed as needed
1:00- The U.S. Department of Illegible Writing will present in the art room a lesson on teaching proper cursive writing to teach from 2nd grade on up. Anyone who brings up the point that cursive is no longer required will be forced to translate the cursive lesson into Danish.
2:00- The Nevada Department of Coyote Affairs will provide extensive training in the computer lab for teaching multiplication facts using coyote dung....implementation during the year is mandatory for a satisfactory evaluation.
3:15-Time to work in rooms
3:18-Training evaluation in Library
3:35-End of contracted day
Is this what teaching is reduced to? Aside from a few mild exaggerations, yes! Every year, a few days before we meet the kids, and 4-5 times throughout the 9-month year, we are subjected to a variety of trainings. Some of them are examinations of test score data that, despite promises that data analysis will help our teaching, actually dilate our pupils to the size of snow peas! You look at too many numbers and percentages and the brain does start detonating synapses!
Other times, we get 3 hour trainings that reteach us how to implement software that never gets used the right way or has any desirable effect on learning.
And then there are the endless binders with papers full of information on how to teach in a new way, presented by someone who just reads the information verbatim with no personal insight at all. These people get nervous when asked a question that isn't directly answered in the binder. They just love when you smile and nod enthusiastically, not knowing you are plotting their intense torture using a weasel on Red Bull.
No, in order to make a staff development day completely worth the taxpayers' money, a new schedule needs to be formed. Here's an example, using the same 8:30-3:35 schedule
8:30- protein- and caffeine-rich breakfast in the teachers' lounge
9:00- Grade levels meet to review any new standards and ways to effectively teach them. Allow ample time to find usable materials in file cabinets or online.
10:30- Introduction of "Math +", a new math series that meets ALL of the standards and breaks up lesson into effective components and is designed for 179 lessons (that 1 day before Christmas break is useless for learning, let's be honest!)
11:30- lunch from Olive Garden provided by superintendent. Or, you can go off on your own! Be back at 1 (because we all know how slow restaurants can be).
1:00- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of the new math series if they want; otherwise, use the bathroom
1:10- Meet back in library to receive "Language Ultimate", the brand-new reading series that skillfully utilizes reading comprehension, phonics, spelling, and writing skills within engaging stories. Complete small-group plans for any conceivable size or level are included!
2:30- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of new reading series if they want....otherwise work in rooms
3:35-end of day
See how meaningful that all was? See how unrealistic that kind of day is? Oh well, for now we have to deal with the cards that are dealt to us. That's ok....my weasels are more than ready!
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