Batman's Temp

We've all been in that situation . You know, when you get an official court document that says you've been selected for jury duty. Yes, it's an opportunity to mix with other alien races, kind of like at the DMV, Social Security office, or the outlet center. These places should have the "Cantina Band" song from Star Wars playing over and over again. In fact, I think I've SEEN the actual alien band playing at the outlets near the carousel.

So, you're employed and need to let your boss know. Your boss is obviously happy to let you go for a day...NOT! Your boss needs you...not that the reverse is also true. However, your boss is a person short for a day and needs to deal with it...unless you're a teacher like me. In that case, I need to call a temporary worker, or, in the land of educational hell, this is known as a substitute. I used to be one, so I know. In fact, I spent 5 years after graduating college both as a temp for an agency and as a substitute teacher.

As in life, those 5 years had mixed results. There were some temp jobs that were easy money and fairly fun. The best one I can remember was filling orders for a scrip company. I got to meet some nice people to talk to during the work day and there was a decent cafeteria nearby. The rest were, well, jobs. One of them required a 40 mile round trip drive, and after a full day on my feet, I was tired. Then came the years of substitute teaching that were intermixed with the temp jobs. This was in Sonoma County, California where there were several school districts that needed subs. I had successful relationships with some districts and as a result I got regular work once I was established. However, there were the "hell" classrooms that seemed to lure me from time to time and there were some teachers that did not like my style (meaning I didn't read between the lines of their lesson plans or I did...some were impossible to please). As a teacher who has needed to call for a sub many times over, especially during my wife's pregnancy, I've learned to be pretty understanding...meaning I have literally scripted my sub plans for each minute, because we all know how nice kids are for subs, right? (loud chants of BS emanate!)

Emergency Alert! Alfred the butler is summoned to jury duty. Now, millionaire Bruce Wayne can obviously use his influence to get him off, right? NO! His alter ego Batman believes in civic duty. However, there is a problem: who is to tend to the Batcomputer and dust off all of the machinery if Alfred is not there? Yes, Batman calls up Gotham Day Workers. Shortly after Alfred leaves, there is a call from Stu, a 25-year old recent graduate from Gotham Community College with an associate's degree in music appreciation. He can just come to the Batcave, right? No! The location is a secret, so Batman has ROBIN dust while he drives to pick up Stu in the Batmobile, gives him a whiff of the Batgas (source of which is rumored to be the effects of Batcookies and Batmilk from Batman's visit with the Scooby gang), then brings him to the Batcave. Batman must then give Stu the required orientation (meaning, he gives Stu the dustmop and Pledge). Stu starts work while Batman and Robin go back up the Batpole, assumably in the Batshaft.

Stu minds his own business, right, like any good temp does? NO! Like any common temp worker, he sniffs around the place trying to familiarize himself with his surroundings, hoping to land a permanent position. He also has larger priorities on his mind, such as his break and lunch times. He constantly gets on the phone to Commissioner Gordon (since it's the only phone in the cave he can see) asking several questions. Gordon calls to complain to Batman only to get Stu, so a communication gap has occurred. Finally Stu locates the other phone and wonders why there's a line to Wayne Manor, where he temped as a bartender last month. Luckily, Stu is an average temp who never knew how to add clues, or numbers for that matter, which is why the associate's degree was a major award for him!

After about two hours, the red phone goes off, and Stu answers.

"Hello?"

"Look Stu, is Batman or Robin there?"

"Uh, no. They said something about fishing."

"Dear God! The Riddler just escaped from jail."

"I like riddles."

(Bruce picks up the other extension) "Hang up, Stu!"

"Please would be nice."

"Get off NOW!"

"I'm calling the agency. I don't need this-"  Stu is knocked out by the Bat-a-rang, taken home on the way to police headquarters. Luckily, Alfted's knowledge of all criminal matters made him ineligible for any jury in Gotham City, so his service was done quickly and permanently.

Now, this was an extreme example, and most superheroes are not millionaires with butlers. However, I can gladly say that my temp days are behind me...for now (who knows what the older years will bring for me). If anyone needs a scrip order filled, I hear Stu is available.

A Possibly Treasonous, Yet Reasonable, Proposal

Imagine being a manager at McDonald's. You have the unfortunate task of seeing which illiterate applicant will cause the least damage behind the counter either money or fire-on-the-grill-wise. You interview several people, none of whom seem to be able to tell the difference between fries and a cherry pie. Also, a few of these people applied so they could work with their friends who somehow managed to get a job there. Finally, you come to the last applicant and have a wonderful surprise: she can read, has had previous customer service experience, and comes recommended from a previous employer. This is the person you hire.

Note the procedure: the manager goes through SEVERAL people before finding the right person for the job. He didn't select someone based on an employee's recommendation("Yeah, he's cool!" "I promise you she'll be in on time." "Oh yeah, she can talk with the two tongue studs.") In other words, there was no "party system" here.

All right, let's move down the road, say, four months. The manager is now reviewing each employee's performance. There are three employees that have been consistently late, rude to customers, been short on the register, and/or damaging the french fry fryer numerous times. There are other applicants ready to interview. Do you give them a second try and apply some re-training or do you decide to interview new people and cut your losses? This is a tough one. If it is their first negative review, some help would be the best way to go, since they may show some promise with assistance (take it from me, positive support is effective!). However, with a 2nd or 3rd negative review, it is time for new blood, right?

OK, now let's move from the McWorld of slightly-above minimum wage employment and into the realm of the Amercan Presidency. In our history, we've gone through over 50% of them without really checking their backgrounds, and DEFINITELY have not applied regular review with possible consequences for regular negativity.

This year, we are going to decide whether we have 4 more years of certain stress or 4 years of uncertain stress. Instead of dealing with debates and a lot of wishy-washy hemming around important issues, let's set some goals for these people (and i don't mean just the 2 we're usually forced to decide between, let's make it an open forum for ANYONE WHO CAN DO THE JOB!). Here are a few to start with.

1. A solid plan to make every public school student literate (and reaonable for teachers to implement)
2. A solid plan to balance the budget.
3. A solid plan to make America a quality-product producing nation (therefore economically strong and job-rich).
4. A solid plan to bring peace to the world (just kidding, I do not expect the impossible)
5 Most importantly: a solid plan to BRING GAS BELOW $2 A GALLON permanently!

All right, these 2 candidates present these plans to the American people. We're on solid footing already. There is no "secret plan" to be unleashed only upon election. That's like the McDonald's applicant saying they may or may not be able to work when scheduled if hired. Nobody without those plans is able to run for office. These 4 plans will be made available during the primaries. The next few months will be made open for plan analysis, background checks, waiting for the Fall TV season, etc.

Next, the election occurs. The candidate is inaugurated THE DAY AFTER HE/SHE IS ELECTED! There is no 2 months of lame duck, felon-pardoning crap. The winner moves in immediately...well, ok, let's give it a week. What fun is there if the previous tenant can't trash the place before moving out?

Let's move three months into the future. The candidate has had time to meet his/her next goal: meeting with advisors to begin implementing ONE plan, any of them. If they were successful and did not spend those months hiring high school or college buddies famous for making fake IDs, they get a positive review. If not, they are put on probation for the next few months. If the goal is STILL not met, a new election is in order, or the candidate with the 2nd-highest number of votes from November should given a chance.

Who does these reviews? Hint: it rhymes with FEEPLE, not MONGRESS, the BENNETT, or the KUPREME SORT. That's right, no politicians here. We want regular people with regular jobs and problems reviewing the President (the average McDonald's manager is a good example). The best question to start with is: what are you doing for us?

OK, that is my proposal for the overhaul of the election process. Yes, I understand this is possibly treasonous to the American way of life. But, hey, the system isn't working, people are scared as it is...and I can't understand the cashier with the 2 tongue studs!