Once in a while I pop in a CD of a favorite comedian from my collection on my drive to work. Humor gets me going just as well as music.
One of my favorite comedians is clean-cut stammering Bob Newhart. He doesn't pump his routines full of FUCK and SHIT, in fact I don't think I've ever heard him utter anything except damn and hell. His style is so low key and often the premise is being part of one side of a real or phone conversation. That said, he makes me laugh. He also inspires me to think like him to make my own routine. I came up with one a few years ago called 'Santa's Agent'. Rehearing him this week, I have thought of another one.
A favorite classic show of mine is 'Mission Impossible.' In this show, Peter Graves always listens to a tape giving him and his team a tough mission involving intelligence, terrorism, subterfuge, and stuntwork. Now suppose that tape player were to malfunction and Graves as Mr Phelps had to call in for instructions. I think the conversation might go comething like this after he goes through all the red tape.
Hello, Mr Secretary? Oh! MS Secretary, my apologies.
No, I wasn't insinuating anything by that, I just didn't know.
No, I guess it doesn't really matter, all I know about you is I've just been listening to a tape all these years saying you'll disembowel me and my team if any of us get caught or killed.
Dis-em-bowel, right. I thought that was a bit violent as a consequence....oh! Dis-AVOW! Hahaha, yes, that IS a bit different. I've been thinking disembowel all these years.
Well, the reason I'm calling is that the damn tape player ate the tape...that's right, ATE the tape.
You know, when you people get so cheap and buy an off brand player and tapes, this will tend to happen.
Yes, I do understand you have people to answer to for your budget, I just think a few extra bucks will give you better quality and I wouldn't have to call in like this.
No, Ms Secretary, I'm not calling to complain per se, I just want to know what the mission is.
You-you don't know...so you just disembowel-I mean DISAVOW us.
How did I find you? Well, the paychecks had an address and phone number. I'm not always the brightest guy in the world, but I can put 2 and 2 together.
You'll have to get a new set of checks? Fine. So, who can I talk to so we can perform this mission, whatever it is?
You-you can't tell me. Uh huh, so should I wait for another cheap tape?
You don't know, you just disavow us. I see. How-how long have you been working at this disavowing gig?
This is your second day? Oh, Bob retired. I didn't know that. Um...who's Bob? The previous secretary.
Well, since my team and I are disavowed we tend not to be invited to retirement parties.
No. You see, we didn't exactly fill out applications or come in for interviews.
No, we didn't go through an orientation on how to fill out our health benefit forms, either.
No, we're not what you'd call standard employees, we're more like contractors that do special projects.
No, no, no, not like painters or cabinet makers. More like, well, oh, secret problem solvers.
You need your house painted. I see. Well, I think there are government employees who are avowable who can do that better than we can.
Well, I am a good organizer. One of our team, Paris, is a master of disguise and a magician. Willy is our strongman, Barney is our mechanical expert. Cinnamon is a model and actress.
Hahaha, yes it does sound a bit like a talent show, doesn't it? Ahhh, maybe I didn't phrase it right, though I wouldn't really know how to phrase it on the phone.
Yes, I do understand it's only your second day and there's a lot in the job description.
There's a big fat trainig manual? Is there an index? There is, good. Look up IMF.
There isn't? Is there something labeled impossible?
There is not...ok.
No, I doubt the table of contents will be of help.
Well, seeing we don't have a mission, what color did you have in mind?
