Recently, our family celebrated a major celebration, a dream come true. I know some look at it as a whatever, but we are truly feeling blessed. When you hit this point in life, you know you've made it. Indeed, you guessed it, we get to pay monthly HOA dues now!
Well, that's not exactly what we're celebrating, just a by-product a la rat shit in hot dogs. No, we bought a house! At last we can pay for our own damn repairs instead of calling the landlord and hiding our cats so we don't get kicked out. At last we can pay for water, garbage, and sewage services! Heaven knows that is a dream come true!
And do not get me wrong, I am glad to be rid of apartment living! I lived in apartments for 16 long years in Las Vegas. For 4 years, I lived next to Nellis Air Force Base where I got a free air show every weekend whether I wanted one or not. That was essentially my "bachelor pad". After I met Vickie, we moved into an apartment together much farther west. That was actually my favorite place. There was plenty of room, we decorated it to make it our home, there were plenty of stores and eateries close to us, and, most importantly, it was where we brought Natalie home after she was born. Over time, the complex was becoming more Section 8 and some nasty elements moved in.
In August of 2010, we learned the landlord had been foreclosed on and we were forced to move. We probably could have taken a bit more time to look but in our stress we picked a place that was in a better neighborhood farther west but had far less space. I was also in a new school that year and that wasn't going well. If our marriage ever had a low point, that year was it. Luckily, we let the lease have its year and then we moved even farther west, almost running smack into the Spring Mountains. This apartment would be our home for almost 7 whole years. It was where Natalie would grow from a toddler into a Kindergartener and then into a 4th grader. That kind of time is priceless! I was also in a new school when we moved there so October 2011 was a definite fresh start for us.
In April of this year, I calculated that I had paid landlords about $150,000 in rent over 16 years and felt that was a little much to not be allowed to have pets. So, we hooked up (not LITERALLY you pervs!) with our real estate agent friend and a loan officer and got hold of a loan along with a house itself, and moved in during Labor Day weekend.
Now I know that just sounds like a great Hallmark movie tear-jerkoff that producers are salivating over, casting Candace Cameron Bure (or Creme Brulee) as Vickie, William Shatner as me, and the dead blonde girl from Poltergeist as Natalie, but there are some drawbacks to owning a house! For one thing, you pay something called a mortgage, which turns out to be almost double the apartment rent, making Top Ramen look like gourmet cooking for us! Ha, just kidding, but it does limit the eating out we do.
Another drawback has to be described. If you have ever seen the 1985 Oscar-winning tragedy "The Money Pit", you remember that Tom Hanks and Shelley Long played an annoying couple who buy a seemingly great house only to discover the owner who sold them the house was Herb Tarlek from WKRP and the house was indeed far less liveable than a Motel 6 shower.
Well, that does exaggerate our home's crisis, but I will say that the home was certainly dirtier and dingier once we got the keys. I have never seen windows and window tracks provide shelter to dust bunnies...no, not bunnies, ELEPHANTS! And mind you, this is not my first house-moving rodeo. My mom always came into the house and gave at least the kitchen a good wiping and dusting before moving day. Of course, 2 of our homes were brand-new when we moved in so she really only had to clean up a few times. She would have fainted with this one.
If you are familiar at all with the classic show "Leave It To Beaver", where the Beav uttered "Gee, Wally" about 200 times when he didn't grasp life's realities, you might remember that the Cleavers moved into a new house between seasons 2 and 3. We saw the Cleavers getting ready to move in one episode, and fully settled in home 2 by the next episode.
All I can say to this neat transition is, WHAT THE HELL!!! Why couldn't they show the realities? I would have loved a scene like this before the move.
June: Ward, when you're through being tough on the Beaver, could you please help me pack the kitchen dishes?
Ward: Damnit, June! I worked a full day today. Hell, lunch with Fred Rutherford is an eternity as it is! I want to sit down, smoke a pipe, and beat the crap out of the boys for something
June: Well excuse me, Mr. Whatever the Hell You Do During the Day! I've been in my damn pearls and dress because you won't let me wear anything else, and packing up all of our china. The least you can do is wrap a few things and put them in a box. 1 DAMN BOX, WARD! That's all I ask!
Ward: Well, what have you been doing all damn day besides watching your soap operas? And what's for dinner? I'm hungry!
June: You did NOT just go there, did you? You did! Get your ass in here and pack a box, NOW! If you don't you won't be getting any other boxes soon if you get my drift!
Ah if only they talked like that on TV in 1959! But wait, what about move-in? Would Ward be a good lad and help June get things put away or would he leave her to do it while he did 7 martini lunches?
Ward: Hi June!
June: Don't hi June me! Where are the cloth napkins?
Ward: In my desk drawer, hang on.
June: I already looked there! Right next to that stag reel Fred lent to you!
Ward (angry): Woman, you went into my study without my permission?!
June: Yes, and I also saw the Playboy in the "secret' drawer.
But no, the Cleavers were too nice and clean for real talk...oh well. Gotta go, time for a Cleaver-style dinner in our new dining room...minus the pearls and 3 piece suit!
