Reporter: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to tonight’s
coverage what could be the ultimate trial against corporate America.
Specifically, the plaintiff wishes to bring Proctor and Gamble, the nefarious
and greedy corporate giant, and maker of deadly chemicals disguised as
household cleansers and detergents. This is a long time in coming, and I,
personally, am sick of these corporate terrorists-
Cameraman: Nice journalistic objectivity there! By the way, how are your thousand shares of Wal Mart holding up?
Reporter: Not the same thing!
Cameraman: Don’t they sell Proctor and Gamble products?
Reporter: Um, er, BLAST YOUR MEDIA BIAS!
Cameraman: Up yours.
Reporter: Now you look…oh, here comes Nathan Snotburger, defending attorney for Proctor and Gamble, looking far too complacent for what he is about to face. Mr. Snotburger, what is your prediction for the outcome?
Defending Attorney: My name is Reed, you flatulent prick!
Reporter: Well, that’s your opinion.
Reed: And here’s another: your toupee came with a free gallon of Roundup. Excuse me, please.
Reporter: Corporate arrogance, folks. Now, here comes the underdog plaintiff. Folks, this is the meaning of tragedy right here, the result of big corporate indifference to the plight of the American consumer. The deformity of this poor girl shall be avenged, you can be sure of that! And here is her attorney. Ma’am what is your opinion as to the outcome today?
Plaintiff’s Attorney: Back off, you overly wordy blowhard!
Bailiff: All rise!
Judge: Ta-da! I’m here!
Bailiff: All sit!
Judge: I’m starting to like rent-a-bailiff! Attorney for the plaintiff, say your piece.
Plaintiff’s Attorney: Your honor, members of the jury…
Judge: Um, it’s just me. You 2 made mincemeat of everyone during jury selection, nobody wanted to meet you.
Plaintiff’s Attorney: Damn! Your honor, I will prove to you, and the spectators in the courtroom, that the makers of Tide have been irresponsible to the American consumer by not providing enough of a warning to not put the nefarious Tide Pods into their mouths.
Judge: Enough? Are you saying there is already a warning?
P.A.: Yes, but that is beside the point!
Defending Attorney: Objection, Your Honor! It is NOT beside the point, it IS the point! The package says HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED!
Judge: I can’t believe I canceled a root canal for this crap!
P
.A: May I continue please?
.A: May I continue please?
Judge: Why not? I’m just waiting for full lives on Candy Crush anyway.
P.A: My client, Ms. Pathetique Embecile, is the victim of Tide’s corporate greed and indifference. She has suffered brain damage as a result of insufficient warning labels. She seeks damages in the amount of $100 million dollars.
Judge (stifling a chortle): That’s it? Seriously?
P.A: Your honor, this is not an amusing matter!
Judge: Sorry, I was just looking at your client drooling on her tablet. Mr. Reed, your turn.
P.A: Wait a minute, you call him by his name, but you just call me Attorney for the Plaintiff?!
Judge: You really want to go there?
P.A: Yes, your honor. I deserve the respect.
Judge: All righty then. Thank you, Ms. Embecile, for your opening joke.
(the crowd is aghast…they’re also horrified)
Reporter: Ladies and gentlemen, the plaintiff’s attorney is none other than the client’s own mother. What can I say? I am as stunned as anyone.
Judge: Hey, Fox News, shut up!
Reed: On the contrary, your honor, Captain Rat’s Nest for a Rug makes my case easier. In fact, I want to skip my opening remarks and just call the plaintiff to the stand.
Ms. Embecile: You can’t do that, my client…oh hell, my daughter can’t be made to testify against herself.
Reed: Please? I won’t even make her move from where she is.
Judge: As I’m up for re-election, nah.
Reed: Fine, I’ll just question her mother.
Judge: That works for me.
Ms. Embecile: What? How can I be a witness?
Reed: Simple, get up there and find out!
(Ms. Embecile takes the stand)
Judge: Bailiff, you forgetting something?
Bailiff: I went before we started, your honor.
Judge: $15 an hour at its best. Swear her in, please.
Bailiff: Oh right. Where’s the Bible?
Judge: Budget cuts are a bitch. Use my “Idiot’s Guide to Presiding Over the Bench.”
(bailiff swears Ms. Embecile in)
Reed: Ms. Embecile, where does your daughter live?”
Ms. Embecile: Umm, in our basement.
Reed: And how old is she?
Ms. Embecile (face redder than a ripe beet): 24
Reed: Inspiring, isn’t she?
Ms. Embecile: That’s not fair! She just hasn’t found herself yet!
Judge: And I don’t think she’s looking too hard.
Reed: I have here her educational records.
Judge: Hell, The Doors’ first record is thicker than that!
Reed: A high school diploma obtained under mysterious circumstances, along with 13 years of public education. The school district was absolved of any blame on their part, by the way. Also one failed semester in college.
Ms. Embecile: My poor daughter! You just don’t see!
Judge: See what?
Ms. Embecile: How precious and gifted she is!
Reed: OK, I’ll bite. Tell me more about that.
Ms. Embecile: Well, just look!
(everyone looks as Pathetique laughs silently at some Miley
Cyrus twerk video)
Judge: I’m looking. And?
Ms. Embecile: She’s…she’s…FINE! I’LL SAY IT! SHE’S AN IDIOT WHO CAN’T EVEN READ WARNING LABELS!
Reed: And Tide should pay for her stupidity?
Ms. Embecile: YES, DAMNIT! I WON’T BE AROUND FOREVER TO TAKE CARE OF HER!
Judge: Huh. Ok, let me pick my nose as I ponder…oh, never mind. Yo,Fox News!
Reporter: Yes, your honor?
Judge: Your heart still bleeding for the ignorami?
Reporter: It doesn’t matter, my boss just relegated me to weather girl.
Judge: Good work. Ladies and gentlemen in the courtroom, and audiences of this silly blog. I’d love to say this is a travesty of corporate America and that the ingesters of Tide Pods are the victims. However, the warning labels are clearly in place and there is nothing to sue over. Parents of idiots have only themselves to blame, especially if the children are teens or of college age. $100 million in the hands of the mental deficit in our midst…hell, $20 in her hands, is a danger to society. I hereby dismiss this case, keep this bailiff around for comedy, and publicly condemn this defender of stupidity. Case dismissed!
