Last week, I checked my school's weekly activities bulletin, which tells us when we have meetings, assemblies, food poisoning possibilities, district-mandated anal probes, and of course, a notation telling us whatever we should be "aware" of, or things we should "appreciate" that particular week.
For instance, last week was crime prevention week, which got off to a rollicking start with a tragic mass shooting on the south Strip in Las Vegas. In February, it will be Black History Month ALL MONTH. I have nothing against this, in fact it makes for a good research project for all students. However, schools and libraries are about as far as that appreciation goes.
I have looked at all the other appreciation months as well. National Reading Month, Stalking Awareness.Month, Endometriosis Month, Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month,
Migraine Awareness Month, Pain Awareness Month (which my wife celebrates all year), and LGBT History Month, among dozens of others. There is nothing wrong with any of these per se, it is just that most of these did not exist when I was a child, and we have gone overboard in society trying to be sensitive...or MAYBE WE HAVE NOT BEEN SENSITIVE ENOUGH!!
All right, folks! I have created a list of what I personally believe we should be celebrating each month. Believe me, I though long and hard about this, almost half of my lunch break in fact. So, here is Mr. Moore's list of monthly awarenesses and appreciations.
January will be Luxembourger-American Awareness Month. This small but determined group has been ignored long enough and by golly there is no better time than the month otherwise known as Christmas Spending Hangover time. Personally, I think this awareness should occur in the form of 2 NFL linebackers slamming Justin Bieber from both sides.
February should be Air Supply Appreciation Month. This long-forgotten duo, once a staple every 20 minutes on radio stations from 1981-83, is now mainly heard with their sad rendition of "Sleigh Ride" during the holidays, and they deserve more from us...a satellite radio channel that often gets forgotten sounds appropriate.
March shall be Four Square and Tetherball Geek Sensitivity Month. Folks, sometimes we just have to stop and understand that there is an angry group of athlete-wannabes, particularly in areas where there are no major sports to try out for professionally. They have deluded themselves into thinking that ESPN will one day air the Tetherball/Four Square Biathlon. Trust me, ESPN has sunk this low already, it will not be a huge effort.
April! Time for Deadbeat Spouse Month! Come on, we have to leave some awareness time for those exes who somehow have the money to support their new bimbo but can't scrape up the dough to buy school supplies, clothes, haircuts, or even McDonald's on visitation day. Hell, if YOU had to pay for rent, clothes, hair care, jewelry, a car, or booze for your special other, how much does that leave you? Huh? Yeah I didn't think so!
May? What better a time for Love of Brie Month? I couldn't think of a better or worse one, either. However, this bland cheese to go on bland crackers and the only way it will taste like anything is to drink lots of wine has been underappreciated for long enough!
June is of course a great time for Argyle Sock Month! When is the last time we stopped to wear graph paper on acid on our feet? I can't remember, either!
July shall be earmarked for Grenada Invasion Month! In a way, Operation Desert Storm was a tribute in terms of length and effectiveness, but this practical Marine training exercise deserves its due time.
It's August! Time for Esprit Remembrance Month. Try to find one of those bags and remember it, by golly, and stuff everything you can in it and carry it around EVERYWHERE YOU GO FOR THE WHOLE MONTH! You will get noticed, I guarantee it.
September has just been named as Cheez n Crackers Appreciation Month! I have had it with people who deride this chemical and salt-laden carb and plastique-disguised-as-cheese concoction that leaves its eaters hungrier than ever! Of course, half the time, this small package got stuck in the snack machine coils for years. Then again, with its nuclear half-life a la Twinkies, once rescued they are rumored to be palatable with a minimum of bowel discomfort.
David Schwimmer Month is the new name for October. That makes sense, as his post-Friends career is as scary and dark as Halloween itself! However, I am sure the $3 bin at Wal Mart will have something...somewhere....maybe?
Look no further than November for Trekkie History Month. The heritage of this vital group has long been in danger of being erased and it is time to stop the ignorance. During this month, all cable channels above 900 will air extensive documentaries featuring interviews with Walter Koenig's barber, William Shatner's acting coach, and a seance with Gene Roddenberry.
My wife has denoted December as Take Your Dog to Work Month. Not a day, not a week, but all damn month! Never mind your boss or your co-workers and their bitchy complaints about the barks and hair. If they put up a fuss, call the ACLU, it is a violation of rights by crackie!
I hope you have aware of these needs, appreciated this article, and will remember I am a sociopath who will write anything for the hell of it! History will prove my greatness...or have me committed!
